Another Fault in Our Stars

need you back

 He begged, “Please come back. I am sorry that I hurt you. I need you in my life so please come back.”

She refused, “Why should I when you have hurt me so bad?”

“I know I hurt you and I am sorry, I really am. After you left me alone, I knew why I need you, why I should beg you to come back. I need you darling. I need you for not that you are beautiful but for you make me feel beautiful and I know how much more beautiful I could be with you. I need you not for you have a stable job but with you I know what I can be. I need you to show me the path, walk along with me and be the reason why I want to see how much I can be. I need you in my life because it’s only with you I see the world as lesser cruel and only with you I know life gives more happiness than sorrow. I know I hurt you, for I am stupid. I need you so I could get rid of this stupid-ness and show you I can be a better man. But of all I need you back as I know it is only with you I would love to grow old with. Please! Come back. Give me this one last chance to set it right,” he cried. “I have missed you more than all of the things I miss add up. I just don’t feel right without you around me. It’s like wetness be missing from water. Colour, be missing from the colourful rainbow. I can’t even say I am incomplete without you because that would mean I have something in me to start on while I don’t even know if I exist. I need you back with me. You know me, you know how I rush things and spoil it though I never meant to and that’s why you would call me ‘Tsagay dhi,’ Remember? I am sorry. Come back life.”

NAMESAKE

 “Name sake,” I know some of you must have thought, “oh! He is going to talk about doing things for the sake of doing.” And you are right at this point, but I want to focus more on doing things for the sake of your name.

As the basic identity, we have as individuals, is our name, “Dessang” this word  comprising of letters, “d”, “e”, “s”, “s”, “a”, “n”, “g”, separates me from all of you and so does your name separates you from me and the others. But most of us don’t even care how our names are pronounced and spelled but we do care about the physical look we possess, and every now and then we are in the process, to look different and stunning. If wanting to look different and stunning  is the reason then lets care about our names more because the first thing somebody would know about you is your name. You may not remember the physique of Abraham Lincoln clearly but when someone says, “Abraham Lincoln” you will definitely know whom he is talking about.

Sometimes I feel that most of you too, like me feel that your name is important, because most of us like it when we have a different but yet a lovely name: the reason why some of us have created our own nick names. Nick names that are different from the common, so, that only you have the name, making it easier for others to know it is you- no other. On this, I know I don’t need to give examples, look at the person next to you and remember his or her nick names and you will understand what I mean. I too love when my friends call me “LUFFY” or “DD”.

If creating of unique names is to let others know it is you: to have no clashes with similar names. Then why don’t you work to make your name similarly different. “David Beckham”, who knows, how many David Beckham, are there in England but when you say David Beckham most of us will immediately think of the football star.

 In short what I mean is do something that people will attribute you to that name and others after you who possess this name of yours will be honored to share the same name. As a teacher too, we should work hard so that later people can say I want to be a teacher like…., just the way we refer to Mahatma Gandhi when we talk of a great teacher and here too your name takes the honour.

Before I end, let me quote a person whose courage is what I envy the most, Adolf Hitler, “when you are born, you are born with nothing but when you die you die with your name. So just don’t let your name be a name, make it a story.”
  

                                                 Beauty and beyond

I wrote this piece after I returned from the one of the most celebrated occasions in the country; the Thimphu Tshechu.

I didn’t force my unenthusiastic soul to labour through the crowd to find a place under the scrooching sun to view a little of the manifestation of the afterlife, which I don’t really understand. So I stayed home helping myself in making it feel like a real holiday. My idol holiday is the one I don’t have to get up until 10am, and have nothing else to think about than to think how to spend the time doing almost nothing.

But in the evenings when I had nothing to do I liked going to town to see this rare sight of Thimphu town being a horde of people; not vehicles. It was so much like its neighbour country; packed.

In the midst of the crowd, flashy dresses always stood out and never failed in getting my attention and many more’s. Especially when it was of the other gender one had to give it a look. Some were smart to be subtle while others were so caught off guard that they forget they belong to a more developed society, perhaps enjoying the perk of anonymity.

I wonder where all this flowered, silk, brocade dresses have been hiding all this time. They almost appear out of nowhere. It is like thousand marriages coincide and there are brides and grooms in this huge marriage room; the street.

I accept, the girls look more attractive, almost all of them and just for the record it is not being pervert if you are staring at beautiful people: it is called acknowledging. Frequently I had to walk purely on the instinct of my legs for my eyes were caught on so many well ornamented girls, like the compass needle to north. All those who were not worth the second turn were eye catchers. Beautiful dress, well make over face, and the shine of the occasion was perfect recipe for such beautiful cuisine.

But there in the crowd that caught me the most was this girl, I am sure she lives nearby for I have seen her many times. Like every other day she was still the least dressed person, even in the ramp of the occasion. That day she had poka dot pyjama pants, plain white t-shirt and a light pink sweater on, accompanied by her usual flip flops. Yet in all the decency of her dress, she caught me, she was the focus point of my entire universe of beautiful girls. She in a way shocked me.

She shocked me for there were more glamourous many yet she caught me most. All the ornaments and beautiful dresses with the magnificent make over was run out but her flip flops. It is here she taught me that beauty is not in what you show to people, it is not in your dress, not in your shoes, not in your ornaments, nor in anything tangible as the skin. It was way beyond and depth. It was beyond the façade. It was rooted deep in your charisma. It could not be explained or measured. It could only be felt and feeling it, is how you knew that she had it, she had beauty.

There was no container to contain beauty inside than the one who had it. Beauty was infact more complicated an adjective than it seemed but she had it. While us who didn’t have it, had to polish it with other means we knew.

"to call a spade a spade"

There is this girl i am attracted towards. I have no definite reason why, i just am. Sometimes its the color of apparels she wear; light orange tank top or the faint red Bura kira. It's almost like she knew the dresses i love seeing girls in. She makes it look better.
At times its the attitude she carries in the crowd. I am the timid one who hardly can raise his head as he pass by people on the road, while she literally has the, "i don't give a fuck" look on. She hardly turns towards the public when they tease her from the side lane.
Once in the courtyard, she smiled at me, i am sure it was thrown at me, her eyes told me. I really didn't know why she smiled but at that moment i realized how beautiful she really is. It is then that i realized how captivating a smile can be. The whole universe's beauty simplified down to that smile of hers. Nothing was more honorific than to know it was addressed to you. How lucky are they who get to see it every day.
Let me tell you she really ain't that pretty, the one you might have thought until you reached this point. Not saying she is ugly, she is pretty but not the magazine kind or the flamboyant miss popular of the university kind. She is just simply attractive, you want to look at her more as you stare at her, she is a magnet you know. I at times conclude that her face matches with Kelly Gale (VS model); apparently the reason i give for her attractive face.
By the way don't you dare stare at her eyes. She will engulf you into a fantasy which has no turning back once you get in to it. Its a hypnotizing machine. I am hypnotized.
 At this moment all i know is i am very attracted towards her, almost everything about her but i just cannot justify. For there has never been a quintessence of her kind for lay human like me to describe. Tomorrow i might have better words but may not be good enough ones, for feelings come somewhere outside the brain, somewhere we chose to call heart and as much as i understood heart doesn't function to be rationale.
Maybe tomorrow we will talk, we will get close, i would know more of her, but still she would never be anything less than a labyrinth i want to get into.
For now, i conclude, i am attracted towards her and we are two different poles, literally.

  This is what I have learnt!

This is what I have learnt!

The path left behind is gone forever,

The ones lying ahead, not destined for me,

And the one I have chosen,

Is full of tyranny and massacre,

Which I endured but left scars of wound,

On the core of my pumping heart,

 And it’s a catastrophe that I challenged

Yet sometimes I wonder, if

Time machine was not only a story,

But a fact that genius overcame,

So I could pull and turn,

Pull the bygone moments towards,

And turn time to the sweeter past,

Then I know paths will be carved with joy,

Happiness embolden on it,

And wait for me to come,

Unlike the bitter present,

 Begging on my knees for a second of happiness,

But unblessed so was answered with painful sorrows,

This is what I have learnt,

Gone are those moments of joy.

This life is of heavy challenges,

The result of my one moment pleasured decision,

Will be my only companion

This is what I have learnt

TILL

TILL

From distance, I stare,

But if I could meet your glare.

Then you would see,

Beauty my eyes are of so glee.

Till then let me keep ,

It just for me, like my sleep.

Every chance, every seemingly chance,

I grab it and I want to dance.

Then just as I am about to speak,

I reach my dumbness’s peak.

When that key to treasure is gone,

Or it would not have been life in lone,

And that uncertainty is the drive,

Wonders come, what if I thrive.

Because of the yes, no outcomes

Dominant feelings I have are agony ones.

Then wish for time lapse comes in,

But tomorrow I will still move in.

If it is how everyday be, be so.

I will take until the last sow.

For I cherish today’s everything,

Even the agony feeling.

 I know tomorrow will not be today.

Future will make me miss yesterday

So even though it is slow

This moment I don’t want to blow

Instead I will go with the flow.

Keep all, till the end and with it love shall glow.

He chose to be foolish.

There once was a guy who was in no pursuit to be smart, he was foolish and was happy that way. His foolishness was for him, his smartness. For he knew if he ever became smart, there was no way he could keep loving her- while loving her was all he had.

 She was the moon he spent his life trying to reach at while he was far down at earth that she would never see. The hamartia was so fatal that he chose to void it. If he hadn't, no matter how much a human try not to expect but expectations are bound to happen like ice in the cold.

He knew the day she would love him would never come, but still because future is unseen he was adamant in believing that there was a day, in the oblivious future where she reciprocated to his feelings. Therefore future was his quantum of solace. The uncertainty of future that once hold him back in trying is now all that makes him try. She warns him of the unlikeliness, that she would ever fall in love with him yet he perceives it as her means to check his devotion. Something time cannot utter, nor the outcome that waits for him at the end.

To fall in love with someone you know just few days ago, someone soon to leave oceans away, someone off your league, someone even the best guy you know hardly stands a chance with, someone whose beauty is not in her silhouette but somewhere in an intangible core and to dream she will love you back, you had to choose being foolish. Smart people would have never done it.

For only foolish people can be the butterflies that will get to the little flame of light even if they knew their dream land was their death trap. Get there and be happy even if it was doomed to fail all along, only foolish were smart enough to see it.

Say what you have to say.

All that matters,is not having a person to hang out with but rather knowing a person who feels the ripples of your love and is willing to soak all wet in it. Every love has its hamartia and maybe ours do too. Not being able to be together, like most would, might be ours. But who cares, at least I don't, for me just knowing you have reflection of feelings like mine is enough to go till the end and be happy through the journey.
I don't need you to be my girlfriend but I need you to love me. love me and just tell me you do, the rest of the world doesn't need to know. You are my world and I be yours, the rest is annihilated from us.
If you don't feel the same for me than I hope it's not even an ounce of it. If you can't just don't even be nice to me for it just makes it excruciatingly painful and harder not to fall deep even when I know my love's faith is already sealed. And I know you too wont want me to mistake your kindness to something to suit my whim.
Then i would love you till i learn it is time to go on with other things in life, till I start wishing all of these and all of you was some childish intuition. Till I start praying you remember none of it. May such a day come on drone jets, so i wont even know when it happened.

Proposal

                 "I don't know how do i say this, so that you would say yes.I know i sound desperate but i love you. I wanna spent the rest of my life with you, have babies with you, not much at the least two. Hold your hand in public even after decades of our marriage. kiss you forehead every morning before you wake so that you would know how warm i feel to have u by my side every day. keep writing songs about you and how u make me feel like its the first time i did. But at the moment forget everything and say yes.I love you. I promise you won't regret. I promise i'll live everyday of my life keeping this promise, so that when you close your eyes at the end you'll smile for i would have given you more reasons and moments with more wrinkles, for us to be together. Say yes"